Archives for October 2006

Boundaries Part 3

Okay, what next to write about boundaries….

Hmm, let me see.  Let’s begin with “What is a boundary?”  I believe it is a way of defining who you are; where you end and another person begins.  Think of a playground.  Inside the fence it is safe to play, run around, climb and swing.  Outside the fence, however, it is not safe.  There is busy road, traffic, bad guys and a dog that bites.  The fence around the playground is the boundary.  Inside it’s safe.  Outside it’s not.

That’s what boundaries do for us, keep us safe.  It tells others “This is the line you can not cross”.  The hard part of setting boundaries is being willing to enforce the consequences of crossing the boundary.  If you don’t enforce the consequence the boundary is completely ineffective.

In the example above it’s not easy to let the child who wonders outside the playground feel a natural consequence of getting bit by the dog.  An enforced consequence might be the spanking that the child gets for going outside the fence or perhaps being taken home instead of being allowed to play.

As a family we have developed family boundaries that help define our family.  These came after a really tough conversation between me and my husband one night about three years after we were married.  They seemed to flow naturally out of that conversation and I don’t think we’ve changed them since we first wrote them down.

My husband and I both come from a recovery background (in adulthood).  I believe this has made our marriage stronger and our family different than those without a working knowledge of recovery.  I am so blessed to have a husband who is willing to work through the difficult stuff.  We continue to heal as individuals and as a couple as God leads us into greater and greater freedom.

Our FAMILY Principles and Boundaries

• Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and we depend upon Him for everything.
• We are committed to working through difficult issues together as a family.
• Our home is a safe haven from world and we will support one another as we try to be true to God, one another and ourselves.
• We will make every effort through prayer and action to positively impact generations to come, breaking generational sin.
• We will do everything possible, with God’s help, to protect our family from those negative influences who choose not to respect our boundaries as a family and as individuals. 

Hmm….where to start?   I don't want to scare anyone off.  Let's begin with one of the hardest things to do as a mom.  Manage our time effectively for our families.  Sounds like a good place doesn't it?

Do you feel the world pulling at us to say “yes” to a thousand different things.  We can serve at church until burnout.  We can volunteer for project after project.  Our husbands can work 80 hour/week jobs. 

I feel my job is to be quiet enough to find out what God wants me to do.  Everything else gets a resounding but polite “no”.  As a homeschool mom I know that raising my children and schooling them is what I'm called to do right now.  Being a wife and a mother, being Jesus' bride, being a keeper of the home…that's what I'm called to do. 

My husband works a fulltime job which allows me the blessing of staying at home.  He is an elder in our church, a very newly planted church.  With our children's activities we both know that this is just about full capacity for our family.  Our policy is “If I say yes to something than I have to say no to something I'm already doing.”  This keeps our family balanced. 

I like to operate at what feels like 80% capacity.  Then, when life cranks up for a week or two (hubbie's travel schedule picks up or the boys have football playoffs) there is some wiggle room that allows for the “extra”.  But only for a small amount of time.  Then we need to settle back into our 80%.  This helps to keep our framily from getting so stressed out that our family unit begins to crumble. 

So I ask the question, “At what capacity is your family running?  Is it 120%?  Is it 105%? ”  Is there something that is time to cut out of the family?  How can we hear the small voice of God when we are constantly busy?  How do we know what He wants us to say yes (or no) to if we are saying yes to everything else…even the stuff that sounds good?

Part of what I've learned about boundaries helps me to keep my family functioning in a healthy manner.  When God tells us to guard our hearts I believe this is one of the ways he wants me to guard my heart and ensure there is some wiggle room. 

You know, If I am completely honest with you there is something He's taken my joy away from and is calling me to say “no” to right now.  I haven't yet because I fear disappointing others.  (Okay, not too much self exposure here….let's continue.)

When I see others in overload I always wonder in my mind, “What percent of capacity is that family functioning.”  Now I know there are just days where we are overloaded but often it begins with me looking at my calender for the day.  Is there too much on it?  What can go?  What can be done later?  Is there something I can get some help with?

I don't delegate that well.  My husband does a much better job than me.  So one area I work on is remembering that my kids can help ME.  Oh, what a novel idea!  I think it's time to make us a list for them for the day.  Taa Taa!

IN HIM,
julie

Reading through a wonderful new website Nancy over at Lessons Learned on the Farm turned me onto prompted me to write about something near and dear to my heart…that hated word….no one likes to hear….ugh!!…..