My best friend and I haven’t talked in a while.
We’re both in very hard life places. But I realized today as we emailed that I tend to close myself off when I don’t have anything good to say. When did I decide everyone only gets to see happy Julie?
The fact is we’ve moved. It’s hard. I miss all my friends. I’m not ready to make new ones yet. I’m grieving. It’s hard on my husband, on my kids and on me. I can’t move myself out of this place. It’s where I have to be until I’m done. That’s all there is to it. When we last moved my 11 and 10 year old were 2 and 1 and I was pregnant with #3. I remember it taking a year to get out of the place I was in. I missed my church, my friends, and most of all my support group of family who I’ve depended on so much since getting married. They are the people God puts in my life to share it with. We were in KY for 3 years. The move to SC took almost a year of grief. We just moved to Fla from SC after 10 years. I’m not liking the math that’s running through my head at the moment.
Another fact is I struggle just to get through the day. Yea, I know all the “go out and meet people”, “stay busy”, stuff but it doesn’t do any good. Everything feels hard right now. We’re renting. I have mauve walls, no energy to paint. I have brown carpet, purple carpet. I don’t have my bed, or my friends, or my CVS guy, or the post lady, or my bible study group.
You know, nothing makes sense when you are grieving. Nothing anyone says. Nothing anyone can say.
Grief is just grief. It looks different for everyone. For me, it’s climbing into my shell. Wanting to disappear from the world and lick my wounds. That’s hard to do with four demanding children. I know they know mom is not ok. I know they feel my sadness. I hate the way it comes across at times.
I’m not really good being the weak one. I do much better in the support role. God has given me much strength there. But in the hard place where nothing feels right and nothing makes sense. That is where I stink at being honest with myself and others. God feels far away even though he shows me he’s here with me. Grief just feels so strange, so foreign, so hard.
I think of others who have lost children, loved ones, and I feel guilty for feeling so sad.
Like I said, “Nothing much makes sense right now.”
Nothing.
Image borrowed from http://www.howtolivewithgrief.com/
Oh Julie. I love ya, girl. Even when things are rough and you’re sad, blue, and grumpy. I pull in like that too when I’m really struggling. It’s hard to want to be around others when you don’t even really like being with yourself.
This summer has been extremely challenging for me and I’m sad that I wasted our summer in this funk. So hard to get in gear for starting back to school when I feel like I didn’t even get to have a break.
Remember that even Jesus wept. This is just for a season. That’s what I’m trying to remember.
Oh Hun , I hear the pain, loneliness and wearyness in your voice. We moved to a small country town when my eldest was 3, its now 10 yrs on I see why God moved us but I spent many nights FEELING like you do now & it is really hard.
Today unread something that just o spoke to my heart:
“God never abandons his people. God strengthens his people through persecution – he gives them courage and faith and allows them to persevere. How great is our God! From seeing the lives of these people of faith, I know that we have a God who we can trust in our hardships and who will bring us through the storm of suffering safely.
Biggest hugs, hang in there hun,
C
xxoo
Hi Julie, My heart really goes out to you. There is no right way to grieve, it is very personal, but we do have to grieve over losses. This move represents a lot of losses. Take your time, it is ok to be alone for awhile. Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. We can’t hurry the process, or escape the hurt nor should we try too. Set aside time to read the Word and underline passages that speak to you. Be still and know that He knows right where you are.
I don’t know. Not that I had anything to grieve over compared to where I lived previously, but moving this far out to the country has been a five year grieving process for me…which comes and goes. I think you can change how you deal with your disappointment, or with loneliness, or adjusting to how far it is to some of your favorite things, etc. (depending on what it is for you), but the feeling of disappointment itself isn’t wrong…just allowing that to make you discontent or permanently in a bad place is. I don’t know, those are my thoughts for me. And, my husband says, God will bless my contentment. And his too, huh? If he is discontent with the basics, then so am I. But, definitely, I’m glad you are seeing not to hide what your really going through from those who love you. It’s good to be real with each other. That’s how we can support each other.
Cathy
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