I Thought This Was Supposed to Be Easier!

This is exactly what came out of my husband’s mouth the other night as I ran around in a frazzled state getting lunches ready for the next day.

And it’s exactly what I’m thinking after three and a half weeks of four children in school after homeschooling for 7-8 years.

Honestly, I hate it.

Not because it is bad or wrong.  It is just HARD.  VERY HARD.

One week is successfully navigated just to have another dumped in my lap.  The homework never ends.  The projects never stop.  I feel like we are never “ahead of the game”, this steep learning curve certainly over-rated.

My babies are growing up.  My life and my role are changing.  I’m learning “how to do school” at a break neck speed.  I think I need to help my children navigate though their own change yet I honestly think they are doing better than I.  The hours I have at home alone seem like seconds as life suddenly is passing at a speed I would have never fathomed.

As a homeschooling mom one walks a tough line between teaching our children they do not have to run at the speed life dictates (or conform to this world) and equipping them for exactly that (being in this world but not of this world).  And maybe it’s that way with all moms, but I’ve never felt a part of that group like I feel now.

I was and still am not a follower.  I role upstream.  I like different, but I don’t like change.

What if God wasn’t carrying me?  The thought strikes fear in my heart because if I’d been plucked from my home and set in the middle of the Iraqi desert I wouldn’t be any more uncomfortable.

I can not do this.  “Not on your own,” He whispers.

So, I cry behind sunglasses on the way to school.  I cry at home.  I cry at night.  I cry at my computer.  I cry at Target.

“Did I do a good enough job?  Will they succeed?  Will they fail?  Can I help them when they do both?  Am I supposed to?”

As I fall apart at the seams the Holy Spirit comes alongside and gives me the biggest hug.  It’s a mind blowing hug.  It sucks the very life out of me and puts it right back.  It knocks me over cold!  And it picks me up.  It steals all that I am and gives me all that He is!  It’s life-altering, heart-breaking and God-sent.  It’s horrible and wonderful all at the same time.

I really am a wreck.  But I’m so thankful I’m His wreck.  How could anyone survive without knowing that as screwed up as we are, we are His.  I’m a mess.  I’m frustrated.  I’m sad.  But I’m His.

And one day I’ll rise again, just as He did, and I’ll be able to look the world in the face and say, “Bring it on!”  but right now all I can do is cry and hope that people don’t think I’ve absolutely lost my mind.

Maybe one day soon I’ll feel stronger……like I’ve got it all together.  But I almost hope not.  Because when I do I’ll get knocked down again and reminded of how desperate I am (we all are) for a Savior.


  1. I echo so many of your thoughts. The homeschooling schedule has a way of ruining us because (unlike those who have always done “real school” since the beginning) we know what it’s like to sleep in and not have homework and blow off a day so we can play in the woods or at the park. And I am SO grateful for those days. Play is important in those younger years. But I’m like you, we do have to prepare them for the pace of the world. I told a friend last night that it is so important for our kids to have to do stuff they don’t like (or even hate) on a regular basis. I’m a grown-up and I have to do stuff I hate EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s called responsibility and initiative and discipline and you won’t get very far in this life without all of those. Living a balanced life with rhythms of work and rest is no easy task today. Every week we’ve had to look at our schedule and tweak it so that we are living as balanced a life as possible. It is a process.

    Remember, you’re not committing to this forever, just for now. Hard doesn’t equal bad and every time I think it does, I’m reminded of my idols of comfort and ease. And also reminded that the life of a Believer isn’t about either of those. Only American Christians believe that lie. We’re to be in the world and the world is a hard place. The journey looks different for each of us. I don’t know what it will look like for you. Or for me. I just know we have to give everything a fair shot and you are so right, these times of being carried and completely dependent on the Father are the SWEETEST of times. I’m praying for you sweet friend. Give them time. Give yourself time. It’s okay to hate it. You may not do this forever. It’s only been a matter of weeks whereas you homeschooled for years! This is a total paradigm shift for all of you, but there is BIG GRACE to go around. I love you all! : )

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