I got out of the tub after dwelling on this “new information” and told my husband what had just happened.
“I’m going upstairs to see what I can find on the computer”
After browsing on the computer for a while I found several websites that would match birth parents to birth children if the information entered matched. I really felt as if I was in no man’s land. I wasn’t sure I had filled out the information properly and I remember the websites seemed a little confusing. I did what I could, entered my junk email address and told the Lord the rest was up to him.
In the next few weeks I really forgot about that night. I had three little ones at the time and “me time” was always on the back burner. Then one evening, after the children were in bed, I remembered. I seldom check my junk email accounts so this was not something that would have appeared in my daily inbox.
Upon checking my email there was a note from someone named Gina in NY who searched adoption sites for matches. She was not part of any company, just an interested party. This made me hesitant in contacting her. I decided to email her and see what she had found. She emailed back and sent me the link where I could see all of the birth mom’s information. Everything matched. I had a sister named Jill, a brother named Jeff and the birth mom’s name was Janet. I thought how ironic that I’m Julie!
I called Gina and talked with her. She told me her story of giving up a child for adoption when she was young. In doing so she explained why she searched and helped others. She was a wonderful woman and a Christian which made me even more at ease with her involvement.
In NC adoptions are closed meaning even if both the mother and child want to contact one another they can not. No information is given out from the adoption center. The only alternative are websites like the ones I visited. Even so, I decided to call the lady I knew at the adoption agency who had provided me with all “non-identifying” information allowed by the state. I basically had a two page report about my parents, grandparents etc. that told occupation, interests, ages at my birth, height, eye color and hair color. That was it. If there were any known illnesses in the family that information was also provided.
The sweet woman at the adoption agency said she could not disclose my mother’s name even if I had a name to give her. I explained to her how I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with this woman if she really was not my birth mom. She understood and told me if I gave her the name she would tell me whether or not she thought it might be worth checking into. There was a long pause and when she said, “This might be worth checking into” I felt my insides do a roller coaster flip. I started crying. “Really?” I asked. “Yes,” she replied.
Of course I knew I was adopted……
knew there was a mom out there…..
but had I ever thought I would actually talk with her, much less meet her?
The honest answer was “NO”! Everything about her had always been so abstract. Nothing about her was tangible, real, do-able.
The next phone call was to Gina again. I told her what I had been told. I cried with her. I admitted I was scared. I did not want to make the first phone call. Would she please call and talk to her and then call me? I was still uncertain if she wanted me in her life but the fact her information was out there told me it was a possibility. Gina agreed to try and find her. Some of the information on the website was old. The phone numbers were not current. The information was 9 years old.
Had she been hoping to find me for that long???
More tomorrow…..
I’ve been busy this weekend so I’m just catching up on your entries. You are doing a beautiful job telling the story. I feel like I was there with you feeling all the mixed emotions. Love you. So bittersweet.